The Pit(s) and The Pendulum

Dating after divorce or over forty for that matter is unbelievably exhausting.  Depending on WHAT exactly caused your divorce depends on how or even IF you wish to approach the dating world or God forbid,  a relationship....    Chances are, if you were jilted in any way, you will either "jump" head first into it or retreat to your house and a big bowl of ice cream, or whatever your poison is and  lay low for a while,  until the pain subsides.  Which ever you choose, it is one extreme or the other, the pendulum doesn't hang out in the middle, it swings from one side to the other only.  I chose to "jump" head first, even though I was standing on the high dive, there was very little water in the pool.  When I met Jon, my first and very scandalous love affair shortly after my divorce,  I was in a place where I just wanted to be numb.  My life had done a 360 degree turn overnight and I couldn't think past a minute at a time.  One thing that kept me going was Jon and our "relationship" if you could call it that.  When we met,  at my cousins house, we were friends at first but things turned sexual shortly after.  It had been eighteen years since I had been with another man.  I am from the South, the heart of the bible belt, and the heart of where, even though it was the new millennium,    everyone for the most part, especially if you have money or a business in the community,  obsesses about what other's think about them, keeping up with the "Jones", or religious ways only known to us Southerners.  One problem...  99 percent of these people are hypocrites.  Some of them don't even realize it.  But they are dangerous to us that don't "believe" as they do.   Turns out one of the reasons my cousin had an out right "fit" (that's southern speak),  is because he was in love with Jon,  his roommate and my lover.  I expected some resistance to mine and Jon's relationship,  but me, having been in la-la land for some time, having been married for so long and trying to be exactly like them, just couldn't quite put it all together.  Odd things started to happen.  I begin to notice that I wasn't being invited to Sunday dinner,  or to any other family functions.  I questioned this I got totally berated and chastised for my behavior.  Me, being raised by my dad, who judged no one, had no issue with gays, lesbians, African Americans, etc. did not understand WHY it was an issue for me to dating a younger man.  But it was.  One day,  I had a revelation,  maybe this wasn't so much about me and more about my cousin.  So me, being "me",  went to my family and asked if it was possible my cousin could be gay.  Oh hell, that was a  mistake!  NOOOOO!  He is NOT gay!  And you better never mention this again- ever, they said.  For years this went on, and  my relationship with Jon suffered.  It was so much for us to overcome.  My relationship with my family suffered also.  Turns out,  my cousin IS indeed gay.  Six years later,  this "tidbit" of information comes to light.  He is one- if not my best friend in the world.  He is to be married to a wonderful guy he has been seeing for over a year next month.   He and his love moved to New York to escape the "burning cross" in the yard so to speak.  I couldn't escape.  I just ended my relationship with Jon after trying for three long years of ups and downs.  I don't regret jumping head first into the pool,  I regret that it was being drained by the people I loved and cared about to protect themselves and that was the pits.  Years later I realize that you can't always control the things that happen in your life,  you can only control the way in which you re- act.  Hopefully in a way that  makes you a stronger person.  Ironically, my cousin and his love have one of the sweetest,closest and most loving relationships I know of, and I admire them.  I truly hope that one day,  I may find that sort of love again.  I do not know if there is a "certain" number per say of loves you are allotted in a lifetime,  but I hope I haven't used mine all up.  I know so much more now than I did at 20.  I wouldn't go back,  I only want to go forward.  So whether you "jump" in head first,  or wait,  just don't beat yourself up for the choices that you make.  If we didn't take any chances, follow our hearts, our dreams and make mistakes along the way,  we would learn nothing,  therefore, we would never grow to be the grown-ups we are now.  It's funny,  I remember being at a function with Jon when we were dating, and over hearing two women gossiping about me and one of them said "Well.... I NEVER!!  And I smiled and thought to myself,  and honey, you NEVER WILL!!!! 

One of The Best "Un-Planned" Dates Ever!

I decided I needed a change of pace.  So I called my friend  back home and asked if I could come for a visit the following weekend.  I was just going to relax, sit on the beach and do nothing.  That was my plan at the time anyway....  As I was getting closer to the coast, I could smell the salt air, feel the humidity on my skin and suddenly all of the memories of my shattered marriage, my house that I had built and had to leave behind, and my old life came flooding back to me.  I remembered making this drive for many years after visiting my family in the upstate and getting really excited on the way home when I started to smell the pluff mud and the salt air.  But now all I felt was extreme sadness and what would best be described as a panic attack.   As I drove into my friends driveway,  I planned my attack on a martini asap!   I got settled in and now what?  It was a beautiful June day,  and in spite of what I had originally had in my mind that I needed, was now the equalization of someone shoving bamboo shoots up my fingernails.....  my friend and her husband had plans that evening,  I was welcome to join them of course; they were going to supper club ( with all of the couples my ex-husband and I used to know) and that sounded delightful.... like nails instead of bamboo shoots.  So I politely declined.  After they left,  I showered and dressed.  I had no idea where I was going  but it involved music, drinks, and something to get my mind off of "relaxing"!    I ended up at a little locals bar with a great view of the marsh,  it was perfect.  I sat at the bar and ordered a drink.  I was feeling better already.  I was sipping my drink when I felt I was being watched.  I looked up and sure enough,  there was a man across the bar looking at me.  He looked like a character out of a 1960's movie,  like Atticus Finch.....  very cool.  I knew right away he was an eccentric person.  This went on for about ten more minutes,  I was totally caught up when the bartender set a fresh drink in front of me and said "compliments of  Chip," and pointed to him.   I mouthed a "thank you" and smiled.  Then I motioned for him to join me.  He was a well known photographer.  As a matter of fact I had some of his work.   He was so interesting to talk with.  We talked about his work, his career, politics, you name it- we talked about it.  We had dinner and danced.   He was a fantastic dancer!  Hours passed.   It was the type of situation that you wish would happen,  but it can't be forced.  He lived next door in a garage apartment of an old marsh house.  After the bar closed,  he asked if I would like to walk over and see his studio.  His work was amazing.  Every photograph was in black and white.  Almost like the work of J J Audubon,  but no color.  His cameras, his dark room, all of the photographs,  it was all fascinating and beautiful.  I had all but forgotten my panic and sadness.  It was getting late,  he walked me back over to my car in the parking lot of the bar.  The moon was full and bright.  I couldn't have ordered a better night.  Then, when we were ready to say our good-byes,  he said "dance with me one more time".   "We have no music, silly"!  "Well, what do you have in your car" he asked.  "Al Green" and he said "that's perfect"!   And so we danced, we danced to every song Al Green sung under the moon, in the parking lot of the Dead Dog Saloon.  We planned to keep in touch,  and we did for a while through emails.  But I never saw him again.  His beautiful photograph of an egret in the marsh grass hangs on my wall to this day,  and every time I look at it, I think of that night.  It may have not been exactly what I had planned, but it was exactly what I needed.  Looking back on it now, I think it was meant to be;  that I never saw him again..... How could something so simple yet so perfect ever be duplicated?  And to this day,  I wonder when someone is looking at me from across a room or a bar.... if he would dance with me like that.  Probably not...  it was a once in a lifetime, completely spontaneous thing.  But it was a wonderful experience and I am a very lucky girl.

Barney Fife- On Drugs and Alcohol!

As I was standing in line at the seafood department at my favorite supermarket,  I started chatting with a man who in all accounts reminded me of Deputy Barney Fife on The Andy Griffith Show.  Except he was more handsome in the face.  He was thin and a little on the hyper side but we started talking about salmon and I found out that he was a chef.  "Oh, I'm a chef too"!!  I said.  And we just hit it off right there in Publix.  He was a little older than I but had a boyishly look about him.  He was very talkative.  At the very least I thought, I have met a possible friend and colleague.  He went on to say that he was separated and having a very hard time with it.  Awwwwe.  When he was asked by the seafood person what he would like,  he ordered ONE piece of  salmon.....  my heart went out to him.  We continued to "run" into each other everywhere in the grocery store.  And by the time we ended up at the check out line together,  I had already decided to give him my number.  He wasn't my type,  not that I necessarily have a "type",  but I usually go more for a taller, not so thin guy.  But what the hell,  I thought,  we could just be friends!!  No sooner than I got home,  he was calling.  He wanted to know if I would let him cook dinner for me one night- soon.  I pondered this for a moment and thought,  why not???  So we set a date for later that week.   I asked him if he would like to meet for a drink out first, I explained to him that it would make me more comfortable and he then said his car was on the blink and it was in the shop for the next few days,  he just may have to buy a new on as a matter of fact.  He reminded me that we had talked in the grocery store and knew a lot of the same people in the catering business, and that his family was local as was mine and I was welcome to check his Chef for Hire website and friend him on Facebook.  So I agreed.  He then said if when I got there if I wanted to we could go out for a drink at a little bar he knew down the street.   Fair enough.  When I arrived,  I found he lived in what I call BFE- Bum Fuck Egypt.  Why? Why does this happen to me??  He met me on the porch,  there were a few cars in the driveway,  and I asked whose they were.  "Oh, that truck is my business partner's and the other one belongs to his wife.  "They are here, at your house, right now"?   I asked.   " Well,  yes,  it's actually their house,  I live with them since we are in business together and I'm separated,  he said.  "I let my wife have the house", he said.  I started feeling like there was something he wasn't telling me.   I knew I needed a drink,  that's for sure.  So I told him I would be much more comfortable if we went and got that drink at the little bar he talked about.  When we got there,  I ordered a red wine and he order a double vodka shot.  Holy fuck.  You would think that would have put things to an end right then and there but nooooo-  the more I talked to him the more I felt sorry for him.  He had such a rough childhood.  He had a daughter my oldest son's age and a grandson.  He had lost everything in his pending divorce and he had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis!!  Oh my God,  this poor guy.....  another double vodka shot.  He then went on to tell me about him being adopted and his mother not wanting him.  And how his FIRST wife tricked him into marriage by getting pregnant when she told him she was on the pill.  Another double vodka shot.  Then he pulled two tiny pills out of his man purse.  Yes.  Man purse.  I asked,  "what are those for"?  He said he had to take medication daily for his MS.  "Are you sure you can take those with alcohol???  "Oh,  yes!  It's fine.  " I usually don't drink this much but I am so nervous"!  "I like you so much and you are so easy to talk to"....  My God this guy was a fucking train wreck.  Another double vodka.... How in the world does a man who couldn't weigh more than 145 lbs. drink this much??!!  And take pills!!!  He was slurring now.  He leaned in and said he had a confession to make.... (if this happens,  please by all means run like the character on Friday the 13th is after you with a butcher knife).  " I don't have a car, he said, and I got a DUI two years ago and I am fighting it because my ex wife set me up"!  "I wasn't drunk, he protested,  I was framed"!  Well I can only say this- witnessing what I did that night,  I highly doubt he was framed.  He was a drunk, out of work, homeless, pill popping, who knows what else person.  I make it a habit never to judge people,  because I have had terrible things happen to me in my life- but this was ridiculous!  I helped him out to the car.  He was angry with me because I told him I just wanted to take him home and go home myself.  "But I coookeddd dinner fer youuu!!" He slurred!  At every traffic light, he threatened to leap out of the car.  Until finally I felt like I couldn't stop him from doing so any longer,  I was running every light I could trying to keep him in the car,  until finally I had to stop at a red light, he opened  the passenger door and jumped out.  There was a convenience store across the street.  He walked over and I pulled into the parking lot begging him to please get back into the car and let me take him home.  He went in and bought a pack of cigarettes.  I waited in the car, not really knowing what in the hell to do with this out of control man.  When he came out he refused to get into the car unless I agreed to come home with him and eat the dinner he cooked for me and "talk" things over.   It was one am in the morning and I was really tired.  So I said "Now you listen here,  I will fucking drive off and leave your sorry ,drunk ass here if you do not get into this car right now and let me take you home"!  He again refused.  I put the car in reverse,  backed out  and as I looked in my rear-view mirror, seeing him slump down onto the side walk, giving me the finger, and mouthing "fuck you", I  turned up the radio and continued to drive.  When I got home,  my phone had 22 text messages and several missed calls.  I went upstairs, brushed my teeth,  washed my face, took off my clothes and got into my nice cozy bed.  I put my phone on silent and slept like a baby in a coma.  The next morning I listened to all of his desperate messages and read the texts. Finally the last one left at 7am said that  he was fine, he had gotten his business partner to come get him and take him home, and he really wanted to talk to me to "explain" things..... I have kept in touch with him, and offered to help- from a distance,  but I have not seen him since. Funny- I had always fantasized about meeting someone in the grocery store and falling madly in love and living happily ever after...... Well- shit on that,  I do my grocery shopping in silence now, in 15 minutes or less, and don't talk to a damn soul!!

Strike Three- YOU'RE OUT!!

It was a Sunday afternoon and I didn't really feel like going out of the house....  but I had made a Starbucks date with a man that was fifty six, nice looking, seemed intelligent and I hated to break it.  I can't stand it when someone breaks a date with me,  at the last minute especially.  So I went.  I arrived first, which is not my strong suit... I am always running fashionably late, being the multi-tasker that I am.  So I got in line to order my drink and a muffin.  After placing my order, I turned and saw him.  We introduced ourselves and he said, rather loudly, "can I just get a coffee in the place"?  Then he turned to the person behind us and said , "I'm not much of a Starbucks fan".  She smiled at me but her eyes said,  "I feel sorry for you"!  I mouthed that I didn't really know him and Sorry!....  We sat down.   He said "wow, your're a cutie" but in the picture you sent you looked thinner though, and your boobs looked bigger".  I just smiled.  He said it took a damn long time to get over on this side of town.  I smiled again. People can be so misleading.... " So what did you get, it sure is taking a while" he said.  And before I could answer he said "one of those expensive healthy frozen things I bet".  Just then my order came up- "Green Tea Frapp/non fat- no whipped" .  That would be me.   I decided I was there,  he had come ALL that way to my side of town,  I could make the best of it.  He was not as handsome as his picture, had a beer gut, and was dressed for shit.   I asked him when it had been taken,  he said  "oh bout four years ago,  when I was in vegas"....  that explains a lot.  We started talking.  Or rather I started talking...   It was obvious he had a very short fuse.  He complained about the ten minute drive to meet me and insulted Starbucks.  STRIKE ONE.  Before I even finished my muffin,  he said he was bored,   that was the problem here in South Carolina, there was nothing to do.  He was from Ohio.  (?)  Alrighty then.  Well,  I said,  what would you like to do,  since you are used to doing SO many wonderful things in Ohio?  It was a dreary, rainy, Sunday,  I thought the we would be just fine sitting and talking.  He said " I don't know, you live here, what do you want to do"?  "I am doing it, and I rather be doing it without you",  I thought but didn't say out of politeness and my southern upbringing.  

"Is there a bookstore around here"?  Yes,  it's over in the next parking lot.  "Good, lets go there, he said".  Can I finish my muffin???  I will admit,  when I got into my car,  I just wanted to drive off.  Not to the bookstore.  Either off of a cliff or home, whichever one came first.  It had started to rain.  We parked and I went on in,  he went into his trunk and got an umbrella.  I was already flipping through a magazine when he came into the store.  He said "I don't want to sit down anymore,  lets walk around".   I put down my magazine.  When I said nothing about the umbrella,  he piped up and said "don't you just think that was so gentlemanly of me to bring in an umbrella, so that when we leave if it's raining hard, you won't get your hair messed up"?  I wanted to bitch slap him.  " So Jim, tell me about your divorce and what brought you to South Carolina, (since things were so exciting in Ohio).  "Well I hate the cold,  and the second ex is out there and she's driving me fucking crazy",  "what is she doing"?  I asked.  Just being a real bitch he said.  STRIKE TWO.  We were walking around and around the bookstore at this point.  He kept talking about how bored he was.  "Why do you always walk around with your arms folded"?  He asked.  "How do you know I always do, you just met me"?  I said.  "Oh HAHAHAHA!  I like you, you're a real spitfire arn't ya"?  "So,  he said,  when is the last time you had sex"?  

EXCUSE ME?  "Well, it's been a while for me"! He said.  Oh,  I bet it has buddy,  with that glowing personality of yours I am shocked!  We came to the "relationship" and "sex" section of the bookstore,  and he commented again about how long it had been since he had had sex.  I started flipping though some of the books- planning my escape.  "I bet you like those chick-flicks don't ya"?  And all of those "relationship books" too.  Well,  I am a bit of a romantic I said.  "I knew it",  he said. "High Maintenance"!  At that moment I could not take it anymore.  I turned to him and said "Do you just want to go get a room and fuck, Jim"?  His eyes lit up!  "Well,  why do we have to get a room",  he said with a puzzled look on his face,  "I thought your place was around here".  STRIKE THREE.  Of course I had NO intention of even touching this JACK ASS!   I said "lets go get something to eat first, how about that"?  "Finally,  he said,  we are going to DO something"!  I will meet you over at that restaurant across the street in fifteen minutes,  I just have to run to the rest room,  there's no need to wait,  I will be right over..  "well hurry up,  don't take all day now,  I'm hungry!"  He said.  YOU GOT IT BUSTER !   As I watched him going out of the door, I googled Escort Services on my blackberry.  Scrolled down and found the closest one, blocked my number and dialed.  It was Sunday, so I didn't know if they were working or not.... I assume they work anytime but wasn't sure.  On the third ring a woman answered,  Yes, they were working!!  I gave her the location and name of the gentleman that needed an escort.. and due to this being a political figure and all,  we would rather not have a credit card on file.  He would like to have dinner and then pay cash for the rest of the evening.  I then explained to her that he was really insecure about his weight and his looks, and was there someone that was just a little on the  plain side, not too pretty,  to make him feel comfortable???  Of Course there was- they completely understood!  And they could be there in 30 minutes or so.   I headed out to go meet Jim at the restaurant,  I had to keep him occupied for at least 20 minutes.  He had already been seated and ordered a drink when I got over there.  "Damn, this place is expensive"!  He said.  I ordered a glass of wine and watched the time.  He  started taking about what "we" were going to do back at my place.  Ten more minutes....  I got up and excused my self to go make a call.  On the way out the door,  I told our server I had to make a quick phone call outside,  but that a woman was meeting us at the table over by the bar and whose name she would give,  also,  I wanted to add something to my order,  a filet and lobster tail,  and a good bottle of red wine, say in the mid-priced range.  "No problem ma'm,  We'll get you taken care of".......

To this day,  I don't know how it turned out.... I never went back into the restaurant and I of course blocked  any calls or emails from him....  Maybe he went back to Ohio- I sure as hell hope so........

All Girls Need to Read The Book "He's Just Not That Into You"

Let me just start by saying,  I read the personal ads,  all of them, in four major cities in the United States.  I also post one from time to time.  Research, you understand....  I have been on so many dates,  I should be a "professional dater".  Now that does NOT translate into "WHORE".  I rarely get intimate with these people,  always meet in public, or most of the time,  and always use protection, when I do get intimate.  And before you judge me,  if you had a gorgeous, hot, buff twenty seven year old with enough testosterone pumping through his veins to keep a hard on for hours,  you would throw caution to the wind once in a while too!!!   Dating (like life)  is like a box of chocolates,  you never know what you're going to get.  I know this from personal experience.  Men of all ages will say and do just about anything to get laid,  even the ones who say they are looking for a long term relationship.  You can cook for them,  be great in bed,  give them everything they want,  and if he is just not "into" you- you may just as well get over it and move on.  Because nothing will change with this.  For instance,  I went out with a man that was forty three, been married and divorced twice, his first wife cheated on him with his best friend,  in his own bed and was pregnant with the best friends child before they were even separated.   Yet, he stayed with her for as long as possible.  Why?  Because he still "loved" her.  The second wife practiced Wicca,  which is modern day "witchery".  ( I have no issue with this practice, one way or the other) .  But still,  Odd.  Welllll,  I went out this man,  he was handsome, sweet, and seemed to be sincere.  He had answered my ad for a FWB with the hope of a long term relationship if the chemistry and attraction was there.  Of course I didn't hear his story until I had been on a few dates with him.  But I didn't judge him.  The fact that he had custody of his two small children and he was tied down with two jobs,  and had not much money,   I was hesitant a first,  because there is always a chance I may really LIKE someone,  and I am open to that but that is a lot of responsibility for a woman in my position;  my children are older and out of the house,  I have a secure job, make a decent living, and free time to do as I please.   So....  I have to like these few men to actually "date" them.  And if I cook for you,  then I really like you.  And even though I'm older,  I am in shape, not bad looking, and keep myself up;  All things considered,  I thought I was a good catch for him!   After all,  most men wouldn't touch that situation with a ten foot pole!   This man and I saw each other several times,  talked extensively, but there was something about him I couldn't put my finger on.  We had a great time together,  orgasms were had, multiple times, actually;  I had bought and prepared a wonderful dinner.  All was well, and I was excited about the prospect of it.
In a few days,  we were chatting and I asked him if he would like to get together,  and he complained of having to pay a sitter for his kids.... ummm,  excuse me?  Okay.  I gave him a pass for that.  And I didn't call him.  He continued to call me.   The next weekend,  while the kids were with their mother and he had the night free,  I asked him to go out to dinner.  He said he had "a ton of laundry and vacuuming" to do.  ON SATURDAY night?????  No way.  One thing I have discovered,  people do what they WANT to do, come hell or high water!   When you are "into" someone,  wild horses will not keep you away.  Much less laundry and vacuuming.  At first I took this personally.  But now I just realize he saved me a HUGE headache from having to end it eventually anyway.   Because I don't put up with bull shit anymore.  And women are not angels in this area either.  In the dating world,  unless you find that rare diamond whom you were meant to be with,  it is a big bunch of cubic zirconias.   And this does not seem to matter if you sleep with them on the first date or the twentieth.  If he is just not that into you,  he never will be.  He won't turn down a booty call,  but you can forget your booty riding in a Cinderella carriage with him as your prince.  And I have NO problem with NSA sex.  If that is what is agreed on.  But that unfortunately is not the best sex,  especially for a woman,  contrary to what men think;  Women form a slight emotional connection even if it is the first time she is with a man.   So,  please, please, please do not embarrass yourselves if he never calls back or has to do laundry or vacuum instead of seeing you.  He's just not that into you.......Get out the Godiva box, and pick out another chocolate.  Take a tiny bite of it first though,  to see if you like it.

Do NOT Settle For Mr. Right NOW!!

I was standing in line waiting for my green tea frapp/non-fat with no whipped cream,  when I felt someone staring at me.  He was sitting at a table with his lap top, books and a coffee.  He was cute,  in a "police officer" sort of way.  He had that "authority" look about him,  plus I noticed the wide belt with the gadgets on it that just reminded me of a cop.  I got my drink and sat down to read the news on my blackberry.  After many "looks" over our technical devices, and a few flirty smiles,  he came over.  Usually,  I would have been okay with this but I really wanted to just sit in the warmth of the shop and enjoy the smell of coffee and fresh baked pastry and relax.  But he was cute.  Very cute.  He introduced himself.  Leon.   He was volunteer fireman.  Ahhh, I was close.  After all of the "small talk",   I deemed him safe to go out with,  so we made plans to meet the next night for dinner.  There was something interesting about him,  he was quiet for one thing, and I am a talker,  he never took his eyes off of me when we were talking, which was flattering but creeped me out somewhat.  We met at one of my favorite Chinese restaurants.  I spotted him at bar.  Even though he had told me he wasn't on call for the fire station,  he was wearing that belt with all of the gadgets on it.....  I found it odd.  Two or three pocket knives, a flashlight, a beeper, two cell phones, a few other things I didn't quite know exactly what they were.  At that moment,  I just wanted to feign sickness and leave.  But out of shear politeness, and wanting to give him a chance,  I stayed.  We sat down and the waiter took our orders.... He seemed surprised that I asked for separate checks.  But after he saw the prices he seemed relieved.   He was very attentive and answered the questions I asked him.  He had come to SC from Kentucky with his girlfriend who had left him after a few months of living together.  He said he had been been very lonely and was really missing having a girlfriend.  He said he had been home schooled from age 6 to 17.  I had never met anyone who had been home schooled that long!  At that moment I started to sweat just a little... like when you are in an elevator with someone you feel may grab your purse when the door opens and run.  He went on to say how dedicated he was to the fire department and to his job with the department of transportation.  He was an only child,  had turned thirty-three the previous month and didn't socialize much.  He had a sweet smile and was soft spoken.  I started to relax a bit.  We ended the night and I wasn't sure if  I wanted to see him again or not.  But he was persistent.  I knew at that point we had little in common but when he kissed me goodnight,  Wow!  Can you date someone because they are a good kisser??  The fact that I wasn't dating anyone at the moment and he didn't seem to be a terrible person I thought that I could.  Thus the saying;  "Instead of waiting for Mr. Right- settle for Mr. Right NOW".   So when he called the next day and asked if he could cook me dinner the next night, I thought it was sweet and  I said yes.  He lived in the middle of nowhere out in the country.  That made me a wee bit nervous.  So I programmed in his address to my blackberry and then sent it to a friend for security.  Not that this would save me from being beaten or killed- but at least they would know where to find the body....  His house was weird.  He had posters of wolves, Indian decor everywhere,  bare minimum furnishings, and no T.V.  What man doesn't have a television?!?   But what scared me were the wolf posters.  I mean he was 33 not 13!   He then announced he something he needed to "confess".   Holy Shit-  I am  going to die, out in the middle of nowhere, among the wolves, with bad over head lighting, and ugly furniture!    He proceeded to tell me he believed he was a wolf in another life,  that he would be a great boyfriend if I gave him a chance, and that he would take very good care of me and the only thing he asked in return was sex at least twice a day everyday.  I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer....  "Dear God-  if you help me get out of here,  I will never NOT trust my instincts again,  I will always listen to that "little voice" in my head that says NO! NO! NO!  I don't care if he kisses like Rhett fucking Butler!  Just please get me out of here!"   Okay Leon,  I said,  I don't like that idea,  not one bit.  And quite frankly you are scaring the shit out of me,  so I am leaving now.  On the way out of the door,  I noticed something I didn't notice on the way in;  the door mat had a huge half circle cut out of it.  I pointed at it and said "was that where the word "welcome" was supposed to be"?   (  I couldn't help myself,  I figured I was out the door enough to run for it ).    He looked me square in the eye and said,  "well not everyone is welcome at my house!"  Now there is not much else that needs to be said about someone that would take the TIME to cut out the word welcome out of a doormat!!!  That,  my friends is fucked up!  I got in my car, locked the doors and got the hell out of there!  The next day,  I made sure my house wasn't zoned for his volunteer fire department!

The Rock Star

I met him at a bar I went to occasionally.  I had seen his band there before and thought that they were awesome.  He was good looking,  but the way he moved on stage was one of the sexiest things I had ever seen.   He played the electric guitar.  My god he was hot.  No wedding ban.  But that meant nothing anyway.  I never much trusted "the guys in a band".  I sat at a table directly in his line of vision.  And he was watching me.  He had black wavy hair, a gorgeous smile and was wearing  a "white corona muscle t shirt, ripped blue jeans and flip flops.  Sexy as hell.  I told myself that single or not,  he was going to be trouble.  Big trouble.  A man like that usually is.  But was he worth it???  As soon as they took a break,  he locked eyes with me and walked over,  sat down, lit a cigarette,  and said   "and you are"?  BIG trouble.  At that point I just wanted to take him  into a back room!  His name was Bobby.  I was as nervous as a cat.  We made small talk,  but there was something remotely resembling a bolt of electricity between us.  I had never quite experienced it before.  I had planned on going in, having a few drinks and leaving.  But I stayed.  Every break,  he came to my table and we talked.  He was cocky but in a sweet sort of insecure way.  At closing,  he asked if he could walk me to my car.  It was a warm summer night with the most perfect breeze.  He asked for my number,  and wanted to know if I would like to go to the zoo with him the next day.  ZOO?  A real zoo?  At that point I had no idea if he was seriously asking me on a date to the zoo or not....  I think if he had asked me to go to Mars with him I would have run home and packed a bag!  When I got ready to open my car door,  he reached first, spun me around put both hands gently on either side of my face and kissed me.  A long, slow, most passionate kiss I had ever had.  On the way home, he sent me a phone text, " I can't wait to see you tomorrow".  Smooth.  I am going to be very careful with this one,  I thought.  Well,  that went out of the window the next day the minute I saw him,  standing in the sunshine, with that handsome sweet face.  He had an edge.  An edge that could be dangerous I knew,  but I couldn't stop myself from thinking I could pull myself out of his spell as soon as I got ready.  We had a wonderful day.  It ended with a kiss and a promise of another date.  On the way home,  I looked at my phone.  He had sent a single word of text-   "Perfect".  Whew,  I was in deep, deep trouble,  but I did nothing to stop it.  He called me that night.  He said he didn't think he could wait until the weekend to see me again.  I said  "well, (in my sweetest southern voice) when would you like to see me then"?  And he said,  NOW.   Now???  We lived forty miles apart and it was ten pm!!  He said he could be at my door in one hour, how about it?  And that was the beginning of me and the rock star.  Two years later,  after I had ended up being held down in a chair,  with his once welcoming hands covering my mouth and nose, endless fighting,  jealous rages, being degraded and humiliated, and eventually hit.  All of my self confidence totally destroyed,  not a shred of dignity left,  him totally shaming me and beating me down,  I left.  With no where to go.  But I knew I had to leave or die.  Sink or swim,  so I swam. I loved him more than anything in the world.  But he was not the person he pretended to be when we met.  He was damaged in way that I or no one else could fix.  I don't think he meant to be this way,  or even liked himself very much,  but I couldn't change him no matter how much I adored him.   And after he got me into his house, things quickly changed.  He had a very dark side.  He was intolerant and non compassionate.  He scared me in a way that no one else ever has.  He hacked into my email, my phone records and facebook accounts.  He isolated me from my family and friends.  He had been married twice and this was not the first time that this had happened.  His second ex wife told me to run like hell.  But I didn't listen.  Why would she say such a thing I thought!  He is so sweet!  She's just jealous, that's all.   Well,  I will be damned if he was the end of me.   I am fine now.  It took a year but I have recovered.  My heart will be more cautious from now on though.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Isn't that a song nowadays???  


Authors Note:  If you or someone you know is being emotionally or physically abused,  please seek help in your community.  No matter how bad it is,  they can help you find the strength you need to get out.